Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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