I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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