dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
