I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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