Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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