just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
