i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
