Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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