I seem to have left my pride at pride
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
