My liver just broke up with me...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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