the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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