We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
