I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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