My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
