apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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