i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
