Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
