I hate your face
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
