between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
