when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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