The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
