Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
