Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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