i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Randomize
