I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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