I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
