hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize