He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
