shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
