I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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