hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
