My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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