i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
