I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
