Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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