All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
