i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
