I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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