Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
