apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
