If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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