I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
