You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
