Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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