i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
