She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
