Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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