There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
