I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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