My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
