Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
