Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think my vagina is haunted
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
