He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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