just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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