I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
