So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
