When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
