I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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