This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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