i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
