I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize