So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
