I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
